Lesson 3 Benefits of the Parent Child Relationship Coming before Discipline

 Lesson 2 Review

Looking back we hope to remind you how you learned to understand how your responses to your child’s emotional outbursts actually influence regulation, attachment, and long-term behavior. We also want to remind you about your exploration into strategies for responding calmly and supportively, identifying triggers for dysregulation, and learning how to foster emotional competence in your child.

Lesson 3 Benefits of the Parent Child Relationship Coming before Discipline

Introduction

A strong, loving relationship between a parent and a child forms the foundation for all healthy development, learning and behavior. Before a child can truly respond to guidance, or discipline, they must feel safe, valued and understood. When connection comes before correcting, children are more open to learning and more likely to internalize the values that their parents are teaching. Building a relationship of trust and emotional security will not only strengthen the bonds between a parent and child, it will also make discipline more effective and nurturing rather than harsh or fear-based.

Learning outcomes:

1. The importance of strong parent child bonds in relation to discipline.

2. Identify practical strategies for strengthening the parent-child bond.

3. Evaluate the long-term effects of prioritizing the relationship over punishment.

Learning outcome 1, The importance of strong parent child bonds in relation to discipline

What happens when discipline comes before a relationship? How does a child respond when they feel disconnected or unloved? The following video will give an overview of the ideas we will cover in this section of the lesson.

 

A child’s behavior and moral development are deeply influenced by the quality of the relationship they will share with their parents. Before discipline can be effective, a foundation of love, trust and emotional connection must have been established. When a parent focuses on building a strong relationship before enforcing discipline, they create an environment where children feel secure, respected and understood. This emotional bond becomes the cornerstone of all teaching and correction. In contrast, discipline that occurs without a relationship often leads to fear, resentment or rebellion. A strong parent-child bond not only improves cooperation, it promotes healthy emotional development and long-term behavioral success. How might a child’s response to discipline change when the parent first focuses on building emotional connection rather than enforcing the rules?

The parent-child bond is built through consistent love, attention and emotional responsiveness. According to the attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969:Ainsworth, 1978), a child’s ability to trust others and regulate emotions is rooted in early experiences of connection with the caregiver. When parents respond warmly and consistently, children develop a secure attachment, which will foster confidence and self-regulation. Insecure attachment, on the other hand, often will result from inconsistent, harsh or distant parenting and can lead to anxiety, defiance or emotional withdrawal.  

Strong parent child relationships are the primary support to your child as they grow up and as they develop and learn. If your child feels secure in your relationship they will trust you and your decisions much more easily. Additionally, when you know your child well, you understand their wants and needs and what the root of those wants and needs are. This can help you as you develop strategies for teaching and correcting them when those are needed. But something that might surprise you is that correction is actually best used when it is used less. Meaning, your correction needs to come after you know your child, after your relationship with your spouse, after you build a strong relationship with them, and after you have taught them. Think about an experience in your own life where you were corrected or told not to do something. Maybe you even got in trouble for doing something wrong or incorrectly but you hadn’t been taught the correct way. In that moment of correction you  may have felt like an injustice had taken place. You got in trouble for doing something wrong but you had never been told it was wrong in the first place! Well now imagine your own child and when they may have gotten in trouble for something they hadn’t been taught about before. Teaching needs to come before correction and even if you think it is something they should obviously know, remember that your children are young, they are still at a point in their lives where they need to be taught nearly everything. How does teaching before correcting help to build trust in the parent-child relationship?

Below is an article that discusses an example of a father and his relationship with his children. It begins with an experience this father had and how he came to learn that patience and understanding his children was going to work better to teach them. He even focuses on the importance of “helping things to go right,” rather than simply learning to fix things after they’ve already gone wrong (The Arbinger Company 1998).

Journal: As you read the story in the link below, keep your journal handy and write down any thoughts you have about how you can use the method this father used in your own life with your children.

https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf 

The things we want you to take away from this article are found within this summary of the pyramid itself. These are the key take aways from the pyramid that we hope you remember:

1. Although correction is part of parenthood, IT IS THE SMALLEST PART.

2. The key to effective correction is effective teaching.

3. The key to effective teaching is good parent/child relationship

4. The key to good parent/child relationship is a good husband wife relationship

5. The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being. Indeed, this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation.

It may seem counterproductive to not focus on teaching and correction and it is understandable if you are uncertain about how well this will work for your child. But we invite you to take the next few weeks to put this idea into practice in your own life. Focus on your relationship with your child, and your relationship with your spouse or partner if you have one. Those two things will make a huge impact on your child. They are impacted by the things in their lives more than you could imagine and we hope that as you put this into practice you will see how your child adjusts to the way they listen to you (or don’t). Consider when they don’t listen to something you say, why might they be going against you? Usually it isn’t just to annoy you (even if it feels that way). At their young ages, they often truly don’t understand things and the way you interact with them will make a difference to them. As your relationship improves as you prioritize it, they will be more likely to listen to you but it will take time; maybe more time than you would hope, but don’t give up.

If you are a single parent the number 4 and 5 of the summary may feel like they miss the mark. It might feel like that is the case, but it is still possible to have good parent relationships even if you are a single parent. If you are unmarried, divorced, or have lost your spouse, the way you speak to them and/or about them will impact the way your child sees either them, or you (Stroud et al, 2015). 

Journal: If your journal is a physical one this will be easy for you and if it is online you can simply write up a list but either way I want you to make your own version of this pyramid. For the first section of the pyramid consider ways you can be the person you want to be which will affect who you are as a parent. Think about how you treat your spouse/partner, and your children. Do you treat them as things that need to be fixed and corrected? Or do you respect them, their needs, desires, and wishes by listening to them and functioning together in everyday life. Second, think of ways you can improve your relationship with your spouse/partner. Could you do one act of service for them each day, ask how their day was, set aside time for a date in the next week, etc. Third, think of ways you can improve your relationships with your child with a list that may look similar to the previous section. Maybe you set aside a parent child date like a picnic or going to do an activity they love even if you don’t particularly enjoy it. Fourth, consider the ways you have taught your child effectively in the past. Really think hard about this one because once you recognize something that worked well it might just work again the next time. Fifth, and lastly, think about the ways you have corrected your child that has worked and then ways that have not worked. One example worth mentioning is spanking because it is often seen as a last resort for parents but in the end it only teaches your child fear, not understanding that their actions were wrong. That form of correction rarely, if ever, leads to positive internal change in your child (Gershoff, 2013). 

Learning outcome 2, Identify practical strategies for strengthening the parent-child bond

You probably remember from reading the Parenting Pyramid article that the father decided to go with his children to the pool club instead of banning them from it or grounding them. This is a great example because he was protecting his children from a potentially dangerous situation or simply uncomfortable experiences or bad influences while simultaneously building the parent child bond/relationship. There are many such examples that you can take ideas from such as playing games with your child, building blocks with them, taking them to do activities they love, spending time with them in general, if they are a bit older they may enjoy age appropriate board games or card games, etc. In addition to activities like these, it is important to practice certain skills and behaviors that will positively impact your relationship with your child. 

The relationship between a parent and a child is the emotional foundation upon which a child’s sense of security, self-worth and behavior are built. When a parent intentionally nurtures this bond, children are more likely to thrive emotionally, socially, and academically. Conversely, when the connection is weak or inconsistent, even well-intentioned discipline can lead to resistance, anxiety or emotional distance. Strengthening the parent-child bond is not a one-time task, it requires deliberate daily actions rooted in understanding, compassion and communication. Why is daily, intentional effort important in building a secure parent-child relationship?

Building a strongparent-child bond requires intentional daily effort. The following evidence-based strategies, drawn from developmental psychology and family relationship research, can significantly strengthen the connection and trust between a parent and a child.

1. Active listening

Active listening is one of the most effective tools for building connections. It involves giving full attention to the child, maintaining eye contact, and responding with empathy rather than interrupting or judgment. According to Dr. Laura Markham (2012), when children feel truly heard, they develop greater emotional openness and trust. Parents can practice active listening by using reflective statements such as, “It sounds like you are feeling embarrassed about what happened”. This approach validates the child’s feelings and encourages honest communication which will deepen the relationship over time.

2. Empathy and Validation

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. When parents respond with empathy, they will teach children that emotions are natural and acceptable. Validation, which is acknowledging a child’s emotions without minimizing or dismissing them, strengthens emotional security. Empathy is a key factor in “connection before correction”, (Siegel and Bryson, 2016) meaning that discipline is more effective when preceded by understanding. For example, when saying “I can see that you're upset because you want to keep playing” helps the child feel understood, which makes them more receptive to limits.

3. Shared Time and Family Rituals

Regular, positive time together builds core memories and reinforces the message that the child is valued. Shared routines, such as reading together before bed, cooking as a family, or having weekly gamenights, will foster closeness and belonging to each other. Even those small moments, such as talking during car rides or eating meals together, have lasting effects on children’s emotional well being. The NICHD (2020) found that children who regularly spend quality time with their parents exhibit lower rates of behavioral problems and higher emotional regulation.

4. Positive reinforcement

Positive reinforcement focuses on recognizing and encouraging desired behaviors rather than punishing mistakes. When a parent praises a child for a specific effort, “Good job at cleaning your room/” rather than just a “Good Job”, children develop intrinsic motivation and self-confidence (Markham, 2012). Reinforcement strengthens trust and shows the child that the parent notices their efforts. This approach replaces fear-based control with cooperation and respect.

5. Calm and Consistent Discipline

Discipline rooted in empathy strengthens bonds instead of damaging them. Calm consistent correction teaches children accountability without shame. When parents explain the reasoning behind the rules and express understanding, children will learn both self-regulation and empathy. Siegel and Bryson (2016) explain that children’s brains are more receptive to learning when a parent remains calm. Instead of reacting in anger, a parent might say, “ I know you were frustrated, but hitting is not okay. Let’s find another way to handle those big feelings.” This approach maintains dignity and trust while reinforcing those boundaries.

This short video below discusses how teaching is the best form of correction and how connection should come before the correction or teaching.

Learning outcome 3, Evaluate the long-term effects of prioritizing the relationship over punishment

When children misbehave, adults often face a big question: Should I punish them, or should I focus on keeping our relationship strong?

Punishment can stop bad behavior quickly, but many experts say it may harm the relationship between parent and child in the long run. Instead, focus on connection, understanding and guidance and it will lead to a better long-term outcome. Punishment means giving a child a negative consequence to stop unwanted behavior. This could mean spanking, yelling, grounding or taking away things that the child enjoys. It may work in the short term, kids might listen right away, but studies have shown it often causes problems later on, for example a child might behave only out of fear. They may also feel angry or ashamed instead of learning what to do better next time. Also, over time, it can damage trust between parent and child. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that harsh punishment can increase aggression and lead to worse mental health as a child grows up (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018)

What does Prioritizing the relationship mean?

When parents prioritize the relationship, they focus on staying calm, connected and understanding while still setting limits. Instead of punishing, they teach, guide and help the child manage their emotions. Examples might include, talking about what happened and how to make it right, helping the child label feelings like anger, frustration or sadness and using natural or logical consequences ( for example, cleaning up a mess they made.) Researchers have found that children raised in warm, caring relationships are more cooperative, confident and emotionally healthy later in life. (Gatrell, 2020) Studies have shown that the long-term effects of harsh punishment can cause more harm that lasts into adulthood. The World Health Organization notes that repeated punishment causes stress and can even affect the development of the brain and physical health. (WHO, 2025) They can include more aggression. Children who are often punished are more likely to become aggressive and act out (Gershoff, 2010) They might also have poor mental health, anxiety, depression or low-self esteem. When kids are scared or resentful, they stop trusting parents. Fear also shuts down thinking, so kids won't learn why their behaviour is wrong. How does a warm and empathetic parenting practice lead to healthier emotional and behavioral outcomes compared to harsh or fear-based punishment?

Children who grow up in positive, loving relationships tend to do better in almost every area of life. When parents stay connected and guided with empathy, kids tend to learn self-control and problem solving skills. They are less likely to develop anxiety, depression or aggression. They also do better in school and have healthier friendships. As adults, they often have stronger relationships and better mental health. (Rothwell and Davoodi, 2024) A large study from the University of North Carolina found that teens with close, supportive parents were healthier and happier as young adults (UNC school of Public Health, 2024)

Another perspective on this idea is that our relationship is creating a template for all other relationships our children develop throughout their lives.

Why would a relationship matter more than the punishment? When a child feels safe, loved and understood, they are more open to learning. A strong relationship helps them trust and listen. Children who trust their parents will make corrections better. They understand what they did wrong instead of just fearing the punishment. They learn how their actions can affect others. And, they grow in resilience. Connection doesn't mean letting kids do whatever they want, it means teaching with love and firmness instead of fear.

Real life Application: Imagine a 5 year old girl who lies about anything and everything you can imagine. A punitive parent might yell or take away toys. But, a relationship-focused parent might talk calmly to the girl and ask why she is lying over and over and work together on lying. The second approach teaches honesty and problem-solving. Over time, it builds trust instead of fear. 

Punishment might control behaviour for a moment, but it can harm the relationship that children depend on for healthy growth. Prioritizing connection through empathy, guidance and trust, helps children develop strong character, emotional control and lasting respect. In the long run, relationships build discipline from the inside out, while punishment only controls it from the outside in. Parents who focus on the relationship are investing not just in good behavior today, but in the child’s well being and success for a lifetime

Conclusion

Throughout this lesson we hope you were able to think about how to connect with your child on a deeper level and how that impacts the need for discipline and the way you discipline or correct your child. Essentially, we want you to focus on love and connection above all else. In learning outcome two we also highlight the fact that the parent child relationship is the emotional foundation upon which a child’s sense of security, self-worth and behavior are built. Discipline rooted in empathy is the key to strengthening your bond with your child while still taking action when needed. Prioritizing your relationship with your child above discipline and teaching may feel silly at times but it is the key to giving your child a reason to listen to your corrections and teaching moments. 

Taking a Look Ahead

During the next lesson, we will be learning about nurturing our children according to love languages and Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Love languages are the different ways we as humans feel love from others; some feel it by receiving gifts, through physical touch, quality time, acts of service, or words of affirmation. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a psychological theory that focuses human motivation according to the needs humans have. First come our basic needs like air, food, water, shelter, etc., second is our safety needs, personal security, health, etc., third is our need for love and belonging like friendship and a sense of connection, fourth is our need for esteem, self-esteem freedom, strength (you toddler parents probably see this need come up frequently with battles of will), and fifth is the human need to become more than we are or to be the best version of ourselves. 

Resources

Ainsworth, M.D.S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

The Arbinger Company (1998). The parenting pyramid. The Arbinger Institute.

Gershoff, E. T. (2013). Spanking and child development: We know enough now to say no. Child Development Perspectives. DOI: 10.1111/cdep.12038.

Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2016) The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam. 

Stroud C. B., Meyers K. M., Wilson S., Durbin C. E. (2015). Marital Quality Spillover and Young Children’s Adjustment: Evidence for dyadic and triadic parenting as mechanisms. J Clin Child Adolesc Psychol. doi: 10.1080/15374416.2014.900720. Epub 2014 May 12. PMID: 24819587; PMCID: PMC5771407.

U.S. National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD). (2020). Parenting and Child Development. https://www.nichd.nih.gov 

Wei, W., Lu,W. T., Huang, M. M., Li, Y. (2023). Revisiting the relationships between maternal parenting behaviors and executive functions in young children: Effect of measurement methods. Frontiers in Psychology. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.985889.

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018) Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics

Gatrell, D. (2020) Instead of discipline, use guidance, National Association for the Education of Young Children.

Gershoff, E.T. (2010). More harm than good: Effects of corporal punishment. PubMed Central

World Health Organization. (2025). Corporal punishment and health.